Having suffered a traumatic brain injury in an assault aged only 24, Martin’s life was changed forever. Here, he tells NR Times how his personality was changed beyond recognition, and why he is now relieved his suicide attempt failed.
It was a Wednesday morning. The sun was shining, children walked past my house on their way to school, it was a day like any other. But for me, today was different. Today was the day I decided I no longer wanted to be in this world.
I took one last look at the sun from my window, closed the blinds, then went to my bedroom with a cocktail of pills to hopefully make it all just end…
Having suffered a brain injury two years previously in a violent assault, which left me with a personality even I didn’t recognise, my life was in ruins.
I had a job I enjoyed prior to that, I didn’t have a lot of money but it was enough. I had a circle of friends I’d known since childhood and we went out together every weekend. Life was good.
But since that fateful night, when I lost the person I was, things have been very different. I often say the old me died there and then on the pavement, having been attacked by a coward outside a nightclub. In reality, paramedics saved my life, and I woke up in hospital with no memory of what happened.
But while I could thankfully not recall the assault – which I’m told was totally unprovoked – I also had no memory of much of my life previously. I couldn’t remember my address, my mum’s name, and many other details you just take for granted that you know.
And that was just the start of it. As well as the memory loss, I became angry, furiously angry. I would lose my temper with the TV, the ticking of the clock, if my ready meal hadn’t cooked quickly enough. It could be anything.
But what was worse was the vicious things I would say. One of my friends came round to visit one day, who had been with me on the night of the attack and who had stayed with me while I was unconscious, he was a great and loyal friend.
‘Your ears really stick out, you look like Dumbo, you look absolutely stupid,’ I said, completely without any reason. I’d known since our school days that he had been conscious of his ears, and at one time was really badly bullied about them. Why did I make such a horrible remark out of nowhere, particularly to someone I valued so much?
That, sadly, was not a one-off, and so often, I tell the absolute truth about people and situations. I know that really puts my mum off going places with me, she has been so horribly embarrassed so many times.
The culmination of these factors, which impact your life more than you could ever imagine if you haven’t experienced them for yourself, made me think I just didn’t want this anymore. This was my life and it was terrible. I wished so many times I had died on that pavement outside the nightclub, along with the person I used to be.
After closing my eyes on that Wednesday morning and deciding it was now time to end it all, I woke up in hospital for a second time. My mum never visited my house on a Wednesday, but on this particular week she decided to pop by. She called an ambulance and got me to hospital in time.
I remember so distinctly waking up, my mum by my bedside, looking absolutely distraught. That isn’t something I ever wanted to put her through, and by being so stuck in my misery, I hadn’t even contemplated the consequences for those I loved. I realised I had to make changes.
I’m now living with my parents again, having decided to give up my desperate attempts to live independently. I’m getting proper support after admitting I can’t cope and instead of insisting I’m fine, and becoming really angry when no-one believed me, I have said I need some help.
Asking for help is not something I have ever done, but having reached the bottom, I realised that was the only way. I have come to realise that is not a weak thing to do and am now proud of myself for doing that. I have to accept I’m not the same person I was, and while that is a horrible realisation, it’s the only way I can even hope to move forward.
The only thing I could say to anyone else who feels they can’t cope is that it’s fine to feel like that – but please tell someone. Whether it’s someone in your family, friends, medical professionals, whoever it is. Don’t be too proud to say ‘I’m struggling’. Don’t make the mistakes I did. Thankfully for me, it’s not too late to try and get some of my life back – but it so nearly was.
