Eky Popat, of BIS Services, on supporting people with brain injury in the daunting world of online dating.
Isolation, loneliness, lack of social interaction and intimacy – the social norm following the Pandemic, right? Even more so for the vulnerable like individuals living with a Brain Injury living independently in the community.
The dating scene has always been an extremely daunting and challenging step with individuals battling loss of self, low self-esteem, and then on the other side of the spectrum egocentric, inappropriate behaviours, and disinhibition.
What this pandemic has quickly shown us is that social interaction and relationships – what seems a distant memory is the backbone of a sense of belonging.
When it was forced upon us that we could no longer reach out or interact with friends and families – it soon dawned on us what we were missing and what we once took for granted.
As a result, over the last few months, we have had a huge number of requests from clients to support them to research and actively join dating apps. What once was a ”Hell No!” turned into a “Help, Please”.
It seemed that clients that once refused the idea of dating and use of apps had now been corned into the only option available. The Web of Dating 2020.
What crossed our minds instantly whilst supporting our clients was how the vulnerable were becoming even more vulnerable as they became intwined in this Web of Dating.
There were a few clients that were already users of dating apps ,who were delighted that the Pandemic meant a natural increase in signups and more chances of them meeting ‘the one’.
Before the Pandemic, most of our clients had a criterion, a specification or a list of what Mr or Mrs Right looks like.
Suddenly, these lists were out the window and the mindset had changed dramatically. It could be said that the clients showed a lack of selection now due to the overriding need for any form of interaction or attention.
We started to see an increase in risk taking behaviours and impulsivity to break government guidelines to meet potential matches made on these sites.
Despite still receiving rehab support, the loss of social routine, lack of ‘normality’ and just the simple kind exchanges from a familiar face in the pub were sorely missed.
We are not here to remove choice, liberty and the natural urges of the clients we support, after all, prior to their injury there may not have been anything else that a concerned parent putting the brakes on a relationship.
Now, they find themselves feeling they need to justify and explain their choices. This is personal. And intrusive at times. Of course, our role, and that of the MDT is to maintain safety, and it is of course all the more complicated by issues of capacity and consent.
Our own values and what we deem a ‘suitable match’ might not be the same as our client, and that must be respected. The focus is on information gathering, education of risk, ensuring safety but most of all, allowing.
As we know, we cannot monitor our clients 24/7 in this ever-evolving Web of Dating BUT what we can do is have an open dialogue with our clients, support and minimise spontaneous meet ups.
We must be there to support when and if things go wrong, but not judge or recoil. By taking this approach we will not be walking into a Web that we cannot get out of but redefining what it feels like to walk into the Web.
Eky Popat is operations director of rehabilitation provider BIS Services.
