‘It’s my wife who had the stroke – do I have a right to feel I’m suffering?’ 

When James’ wife suffered a stroke, both of their lives changed as a result. Here, he talks openly about how the ongoing impact of her illness affects them both, and how he in particular struggles to cope.

It’s been two years now since my wife had a stroke. She has done so well in getting some of her old self back, but in truth I think it’s me who continues to struggle the most. 

We’re a couple in our early 40s who have always loved to travel, enjoy the outdoors, eat out in nice restaurants, and just enjoy our lives. We’ve been together since we were teenagers, and while we haven’t been blessed with children, our adventures have always ensured we had plenty to keep us occupied. 

It was while shopping for our latest adventure, a trip to Cuba, that both of our lives changed, probably forever. We were in a supermarket stocking up on sun cream when all of a sudden my wife complained of feeling dizzy. As I put my arm around her to prop her up, I noticed the left side of her face had fallen. 

Instantly, I knew she must be having a stroke. People in the supermarket were fantastic, they called the ambulance and we got to hospital really quickly, but in my mind I was preoccupied with worst case scenarios. I had Googled it once when a colleague experienced a stroke, and there is some pretty terrible stuff on the internet, most of which stuck in my mind and I now believed was going to happen to my wife. 

After the hospital confirmed it was indeed a stroke she had suffered, my wife was allowed home after a few days. Until that point, I’d felt quite positive about everything, she was alive being the main thing, and also the effects hadn’t seemed profound at all when I visited her. 

It was only once she got home that we realised the full extent of what had happened. Her left side, the side on which she first experienced the face drop, had become very weak. Walking was an issue and she needed help to get dressed. These were alien concepts to such an independent person as my wife, and she really struggled. I found it very difficult to feel so powerless to help. Although I did try to support with practical activities, I was continually pushed away. 

In the two years since, her physiotherapy has been excellent, and she has recovered a great deal. She still cannot walk as she used to, and continues to experience weakness in her left side, but the physical recovery has been very positive, aside from an ongoing fatigue which does create problems, but nothing we can’t overcome. 

Emotionally, however, is very different. Her personality has changed and now has an undercurrent of anger, any quite simple situation can prompt a really angry reaction. I would never say I was scared of her behaviour, but ‘walking on eggshells’ is my daily task from getting up to going to bed. She also swears a lot too, which is something she never did at all prior to the stroke, and actively disapproved of. 

I feel we’re in a bit of a vicious circle here – she is so frustrated at her behaviour, which I think makes things worse, particularly the anger. My wife was one of the most calm and placid people you could meet, but her change in behaviour has become noticeable to everyone. I try to help and offer comfort, but am usually met with anger, which I do find difficult to deal with. 

I am now accepting of the fact these new traits are probably permanent, given that it has been two years. Our house is now a very different place to live to what it used to be. We don’t really go out that much anymore – the change in her personality is something she is very conscious of, so she prefers to be at home as much as possible. Having lived such a full life previously, it now feels empty in so many ways. 

As a husband who tries to be supportive and understanding, it is a terrible thing to admit your resent and unhappiness at how your life has turned out. Clearly I don’t blame her and know her behaviour is beyond her control, but I feel very alone in my own home a lot of the time.

How I wish things were different – but they aren’t. And I’ll continue to get through life the best I can, being the best husband I can too.