Rhys Bowler shares his experience as a sex addict who also lives with the rare neuromuscular condition DMD in this reflective essay.
Some relationships you enter will be the last straw, as in the straw that broke the donkeys back. You should never take what someone says as an absolute truth, as when you end up in a relationship with them the ugly truth is always made all too apparent.
Sometimes you feel that a person doth protests too much. I will give you one example: at the beginning of this particular relationship, my understanding as we got to know each other was that she had a tirade of abusive relationships before me and that she had just left another man for yet again being a violent abuser. Another reason behind the breakup was that he had an “adult baby fetish”.
You can guess which one was the truth. He was not an abuser whatsoever but just a man with a peculiar fetish. In fact, I knew him myself but all these nappies and baby’s bottle were apparently too dirty and weird for her. But the funny thing was that her ex and his fetish dominated our entire relationship as I heard the story over and over again like a broken record.
Apparently I fell ‘hook, line and sinker’ because, like all good men, I hate to see a lady getting abused. But when someone has been in nine relationships and every man has been an abuser it doesn’t add up anymore. You have to start believing that there are two sides to every story. You start thinking to yourself: hold on, something is not quite right here!
Nevertheless I was repeatedly warned by several people about her, but like the stubborn individual I am I went ahead with it anyway.
You should never think you can help someone or change them in any way. Particularly, not without knowing all the facts first. It has been known, but very rarely will a leopard change their spots.
In hindsight, I should have never taken someone like this emotionally on-board, especially with a condition as severe as mine. The sentence “I have never done anything easy” has always been a big responsibility for me and, honestly, the stress was astounding.
One of the warnings I was given was that she drank too much but I had no idea of the severity of her alcoholism. That, combined with her being bipolar, was a devastating combination and, therefore, I was not in for an easy ride.
I put myself in some dangerous situations with this one but – thank goodness – she was never violent towards me. But there was a vile temper in her and a deep loathing towards men which was thrown in my face several times almost as if I was the one to blame. My own past was even weaponised and thrown at me.
She labeled me as a pervert who was disrespectful towards women. This was particularly hurtful as anyone who knows me would know that is far from reality.
I am one of those people who persistently tries his hardest at everything he does and I put an extraordinary amount of effort into supporting her as I was trying to treat her differently from the men in her past. More generically, I was trying to make her happy.
However, after all my hard work, she took what I taught her and went back to the “adult baby”. You can imagine my reaction, I apparently didn’t ask her to change my dirty nappies enough. What got me the most was the hypocrisy of society: she was not embarrassed of a middle aged man who wears nappies for no other reason than a sexual fetish but she was embarrassed of a man who is more man than most.
A man who helped her build her self-esteem and helped her back on her feet after a turbulent relationship. All this just to go straight back into that said turbulent relationship just because I have a genuine disability.
Well, I’ve never been more insulted. This one hit me hardest of all as she sucked my soul out and she scared me with her own mental health issues.
So, I am still on that quest for the Holy Grail, the quest of finding a person who isn’t ashamed of my disability, a person for whom I don’t have to be the ‘f**k buddy’, the curiosity or the dirty little secret. A person that just wants me for all of me and only me and nothing else.
I am getting old and I’m at that point where age, gender and sexuality don’t matter anymore as I just want a person who is mine. You are out there, I know you are and I will find you! I will never stop searching until my dying breath.
Succeed or die trying, I shall never surrender and neither should you.
Rhys Bowler is a motivational speaker who lives with a neuromuscular wasting condition called Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD). He has lost the use of his entire body except for a thumb and he is permanently bound to a respiratory machine. His goal in doing motivational speeches is to inspire others with conditions like his. He aims to give people the confidence to live independently, as he does.
Read the first part of Rhys’ article at ‘I have DMD and I am diagnosed sex addict’
Watch out for part three on NR Times.
