Rhys Bowler shares his experience as a sex addict who also lives with the rare neuromuscular condition DMD in this reflective essay.
Rejection is the hardest and bitterest pill for any man, woman, person to swallow as it comes with a whole host of negative gut wrenching feelings such as unattractiveness, humiliation and lack of self-worth. If you have deep rooted issues in this department, that I expect were put there from a young age, I suspect you’re not going to take rejection very well. It’s going to open up all kind of scars that you have already dealt with in the past and that have healed years ago.
Frankly, it is going to hurt like hell, leaving you to lick your wounds for quite some time.
For lots of people, especially men, this can really dent their pride. They tend to get extremely angry by this point and some deal with it in solitude and hide it very well. I’m admittedly one of those.
Mental health is your worst enemy on this occasion more than other times. There are some people that make their feelings known with the completely wrong approach as they have sudden bursts of rage. Behaving like children won’t get you anyway, you are simply making a fool of yourself and no one wants to see that. But we have all been there and we can’t learn unless you make those mistakes in the first place. From personal experience, I suspect this is true for most of us with life-threatening conditions, who are different from society.
We experience rejection on a greater scale than most able-bodied people. But fear not: if you have had a lot of rejections you are not alone my friend. I have had lots of experience with this bugbare as I have had more rejection then hot dinners.
I will share with you some of my stories so you won’t feel alone. If you are a woman reader – and I know for a fact that you ladies have also been treated this way – here we go!
I have been in situations – several times – where I have been intimate with a girl, sharing quite intense kisses. At this point you can pretty much taste success but you are left hanging, as soon informed this is a one off.
The problem is that you are not going to forget that kiss in a hurry, and it’s guaranteed to drive you crazy. She may be sending you naughty pictures but remember that this means nothing as you’re going to get the feeling that those pictures are not for you. You are merely a brief bit of entertainment to her, a curiosity. You won’t pay much attention to it but in the back of your head it will hurt a little.
When this is the situation don’t be afraid to let it go and move on. With conditions like ours, life is too short to invest in situations that are frankly not going to go anywhere. Be honest with yourself : you’re not looking for another friend. I know you’re not. And going forward you have to learn the art of self-preservation very early.
Firstly, be aware that you have a disability, it may sound harsh but in that situation you really need to be realistic. You know in your head chances are you that you won’t be able to compete with another guy, he will get the girl and you will be extremely hurt again. This will bring thoughts of inadequacy.
People, I’m not for one minute saying don’t try, hell no! I personally consider myself a high achiever as I have the mentality that I’m charming, handsome and confident enough to be with anyone I choose. Every opportunity is good experience, is there is a slim chance, there is every chance you could come out as the victor.
If you do carry on with this mentality be prepared for highs as she will make you feel on top of the world some days – but be also prepared for “rock bottom depressive lows”.
What often tends to happen is: it will be exciting for a few weeks with texting and flirting every day. You’ll meet up and have a little frolic and then, in the next few weeks, you’ll start feeling an equilibrium shift. You’ll feel like something has changed. The conversation will dry up and you’ll get nonspecific yes or no answers to your texts. That ensures an end to communications.
If you keep messaging just to get an answer you’re flogging a dead horse, I’m sorry to tell you. You’ll end up coming across very needy showing just how unable to deal with rejection you are. You’ll be likely to provoke a truthful answer that’s going to hurt and put finality to your pursuit. That is likely to give you a horrendous rush of pain that will take your breath away like standing on a piece of Lego. Sadly, you will have to admit defeat at that point.
You’ll swell with jealousy and you’ll get thoughts like ‘she’s with him isn’t she?’ or worse. But chances are she isn’t and it’s all in your head. The green eyed monster is an all-consuming veracious beast, slay him immediately because he’s horrible and it will stain every relationship you have. It’s always wise to deal with this gracefully without retaliation! However, you’re going to have to respect her silent wishes no matter how unfair this may seem.
This next statement possibly isn’t true, but I suspect it is: the other guy is the favourite and he’s now calling the shots diverting her attention. When you are a disabled person in an able-bodied world, unfortunately sometimes this can happen. The truth is that in the world of able-bodied men we are the proverbial wounded lion.
As a disabled man you have a golden opportunity to be different to most men. Rise above this attitude, trust me. Some women will appreciate this and you will grow as a person as a result.
Don’t get drawn into invisible competitions and as hard as it is to accept move on, get the hell out of there. It is never going to happen with her. Before you know it, a year has gone by and you’re still on your own. A hundred opportunities might be happening behind you, keep pursuing that Golden Fleece and it will happen, I promise!
Rhys Bowler is a motivational speaker who lives with a neuromuscular wasting condition called Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD). He has lost the use of his entire body except for a thumb and he is permanently bound to a respiratory machine. His goal in doing motivational speeches is to inspire others with conditions like his. He aims to give people the confidence to live independently, as he does.
Read the first and second part of Rhys’ article at ‘I have DMD and I’m a diagnosed sex addict’ and ‘Women and my personal relationships‘.
Watch out for part four on NR Times.
